Today was a little different than usual. Maybe since today was the first time in almost 8 months since I’ve been separated from Niko for more than a day. It felt like back in the day when I was single and just drove around and did random things just to entertain myself for a good second. Kinda bittersweet.
Spent a whole bunch of time with our daughter and I never realized how much of a lil’ faggot she can be. She’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.
Saw my sister and she gave me a massage to get some clinic hours in and she did rather well. I’m proud that she’s been progressing from school. I also saw my ‘favorite’ brother. I always remembered that every time we go for car rides, I always always always smile. I remember when he had to drop me off home in the middle of the night and he was just going 100mph on the freeway. It was great, we always have the same mindset about cars and things so it’s always nice chillin’ with someone who shares the same interests. Saw my mother too. But I’ve already made a post about her. I’ve missed her but I can only be with her for so long.
Went to Tokyo Discount and saw a kid named Ryoji I used to kick it with back with an old significant. Caught up a bit, told him how I’m looking for a second job as a server or something along the lines. He said he’d be more than down to help me out. Hell he’s even excited that I’m gonna try to turn in an app and possibly work with him. I’m kinda glad that I’m capable of at least conversing with some acquaintances and such. He’s still a chill ass dude.
Speaking of! I can’t wait to apply for another job. Like shit, as much as I enjoy stock and all, I can’t handle such a slow pace. Maybe I should have thought that job position a little better because I can’t get distracted at all. Being a server sounds entertaining enough. As well as a distraction, my brother and I should be planning to get a house together which is why I need another job. It’s a long process so I should probably get started with a decent income as soon as possible.
School is starting to become a little tedious due to homework. The lectures are simple but I often get lethargic.
Mm. Seeing from then and now. I never had a boyfriend as important as Niko. I see that kid practically every damn day which is why today felt so off. That’s just it though, he’s so important. It doesn’t even matter if he understands it anymore, jesus christ like never had I imagined that I’d fall for a kid this fucking hard. It’s irritating, I suffer worse than anything I’ve ever gone through but it’s such a pleasure being in pain. Eh, whatever don’t even feel like talking about it since it can go on for a millennium.
Lately I’ve realized a lot of things that I miss.
Then also things that I’ve realized
Today is really just strange. I can’t necessarily put a finger on it. My feelings are mixing in with each other and it’s not really going well with me. I don’t know, it’s not like I needa yell out but I’m not necessarily content with being quiet either.
I saw my mother today. I gave her chocolate and I’m about to take her to Tokyo Discount. She seems thinner, she looks even more tired, she’s still as crazy as she’s always been. She thought that she heard another voice with me as I walked into the house. My brother doesn’t want her at his house anymore because she’s so ridiculous to live with. They wanna put her into a mental home, as if she would ever go. (ha ha) Every time my siblings talk about her, it’s always along the lines of how she’s so crazy or how stupid it is she thinks. I agree with them but then again, I feel like we’re all on a different level. They don’t consider her their mother anymore, that’s not the over worked mother they used to know. It’s funny, they always tell me, “she’s not my mom.” But you know what, that is my mom. That’s what I grew up with, that version of a mother. So shut the fuck up. She may be that way because of me, as much as you guys try and tell me not to point a finger at myself. I can beat myself if I want to. I love that woman more than anyone on this damn planet. Even if I’m not her favorite, even if I’m the bottom of her list, she’s still my mother.
This isn’t meant to sound like a pity story. It’s not an attempt to be poetic. It’s just me talking about the most important person in my life.
What is the difference between then and now?
Back then I was what brought happiness, but you said you got distracted after some time. Going back and reading all those old posts you wrote and reblogged were nice. I wonder why they stopped? But hell, I should stop wondering. I should reflect on what I’ve been doing. Have I brought happiness like I used to? Have I become a little selfish? I even admitted that I forgot some things that reminded me why I love you.
I’ve been building a higher wall rather than slowly letting it fall down on it’s own. Things don’t necessarily work out when two defenses are going head on at each other.
As much as I ultimately loathe being the person to give in first, I’d rather do it first than to lose you altogether. Fuck, I can already tell this is gonna be strenuous and stressful as hell. -_-
I know where I stand with the actions and decisions you choose to make. I’m still here and I do love you. If you haven’t noticed any difference in my actions, then that just goes to show how much and what is really important to you. It’s to this point where I don’t care anymore, you want to see me then okay, see me. What’s the point into putting effort into someone who’s incapable of reciprocating it? You do you and I’ll do me. If you want our relationship to work, then there’s no half assin’ it. Why are you settling for mediocre? If you don’t give your all, was there a point to it in the first place? I don’t take back any of my words that I’ve given you, they all still stand true. It’s not that hard to make an effort but to see that your effort was meaningless, is incredibly discouraging. You know that.
Just a reminder to myself, you’re still here right? You’re not doubting yourself as much anymore. It’s changed into something, something more beautiful as the days pass by.
And it’s great! I know I have bad days, I am human after all. All I know is that things have definitely changed for the better.
You are no lover. You’re incapable of it.
The thrill of the chase, the sweet success and bitter conclusion. The feeling is way too familiar and the cycle is taking it’s course. Objective is to win, be sure you do. The moment that the game is over, it’s time to restart the story.
I will agonize in pain for what I don’t want. So, fuck it.
I’ve felt my heart lift up and sink back down. I look at the one I love with pure bliss and pain then I realize again that I still don’t know what love means.
I’m still hurt. So stay away, keep a slight distance. I’m taking a few steps back away from you for the moment. I can’t say I love you when all I can taste is bitterness. I still can’t breathe. My muscles keep tensing up. My heart won’t stop pounding. I heard you so don’t think it was a waste. I’m cooling down because my body ceases to calm down.
I don’t understand. This is too irrational, even for me.
Why do I yearn for you and then push you away
Watching you sleep on my bed tonight seems a little different than usual. Maybe because this time I actually begged for you to come over, which isn’t my usual method of action.
Hearing every breath, seeing the tired expression on your face, why do I feel worried?
Nonetheless, school was great today regardless of the morning bore from work and the aftermath of an exhausting day.
I’m all over the place, emotional wise. Maybe it’s mother nature being a prick again.
Goodnight you guys. 2:00am
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